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I don’t even know what to do r where to go at this point.
James doesn’t want to be with me anymore and I need to just accept that. He says he wants to be with me to my face, yet sneaks around behind my back, gets mad at me like crazy for nothing, can’t commit to anything with me.
I look at EVERY other couple who have been together as long as we have, some even shorter and they are TOGETHER.
I get that we aren’t them. And that’s okay. But I want to have at least some if the things they have.
When I look at my life, I have the guy I’ve wanted for years. But I don’t have what I thought it would be like. What we have is great in its own thing… but it’s not what I pictured at all…
I wish he could just put effort into us.
We don’t even have sex anymore. And if we do it’s the same thing over and over and it’s boring and dull. Which I could help with I know. I just don’t even feel like it’s worth it.
I tell him exactly how I want certain things, and he doesn’t even try to attempt it. What is so hard about calling and letting your girlfriend/wife/roommate what your plan is, or seeing how their day went.
Even if I didn’t like to talk on the phone, if he said he liked hearing my voice after a day at work, hell, I’d call him every DAMN day.

I don’t want to have to go the rest of my life being scared to move at night, wanting to cuddle, charge my phone, or ask him anything. Because he gets mad when he’s not getting enough sleep. What’s it gonna be when we have a baby, a puppy, a house, an alarm, or anything. There are so many things like that.

The ONE thing I’ve REALLY asked for was that he proposed while maegens was gone, while she still had a remainder of her mission left so I could plan with her, send her a cute box, and have a wedding to plan for next May. That’s it. And instead, she is coming home in 100 days. That’s only three months. All the dates for next summer are taken. He said he was “FINALLY” ready to get married a year and a half ago. More than a year ago, and yet we are still in the same position. Nowhere. No commitment.

And he most likely is messing with other girls.
He doesn’t get that I know he texts and hangs out with other girls. How?
He told another girl he wants to fuck her. On our anniversary date, at a surprise concert he got for me. He wonders why I can’t stand that band now.
On our trip in California his mom was texting him, he got in the shower, his phone went off, I looked thinking it was his mom. Nope, it was some chick. “It was fun the other night. We should do that again”. Bad? Read further and found out this wasn’t the first time, he went and bought “green stuff” and it was “so good”. Think that’s bad? Then realised both of those nights were nights he said he was going to his parents and one was a night were I stayed waiting on the couch for him ALLLLL NIGHT LONG. So no, I don’t trust him. To make things worse, I mentioned he gets to hang out with random chicks when e never he wants, check his phone that night, all messages were deleted.

I do have trust issues. I’ve always had them because I’ve been screwed over again and again and again. Yet, here I am. I know he’s doing shit. At least thinking about it (if I let myself be naive), and I’m sitting on the bed waiting for him to come home. Its 11 at night by the way.

But I can’t do shit about it. I can’t break up with him. I’ve devoted WAY too much time to this to see it just given up. I couldn’t even rant about him to anyone, I’d have no one to even wallow with, I’m so pathetic. I wouldn’t be able to go anywhere since half the people t think we’re engaged, or basically engaged. I’m just screwed. I just wish he’d grow the fuck up and at least put effort in. Instead of coming home and not having to do shit except lay here.

God. Maybe I really am the problem. Not a single guy actually has ever wanted to BE with me. AND JUST ME. and enjoyed it. God, I need to sleep.

I just want one fucking person on my team. Just one.
James is barely there 99% of the time. The only other person I have is maegens and she doesn’t want to even come home and is gonna do everything in her power to live in Spain.
Fucking useless.


Our red, white and blue blubber jellies honor your service this #MemorialDay! Learn more about these colorful jellies (David Schultz Photography)


Our red, white and blue blubber jellies honor your service this #MemorialDay!

Learn more about these colorful jellies

(David Schultz Photography)


Man Creates Marriage Proposal Music Video Using Footage Shot Over Four Years in 26 Countries

Here’s a tip. When a girl is already in a bad mood, you do NOT tell her to “settle down”. I’m pretty sure you don’t tell a guy that’s pissed off to calm down either. What ya do, is oh… give them a hug. Cuddle them. Go buy fucking flowers, do not ever tell them to calm down.

I am passed the date that was set to make sure I got married at the latest I wanted to be married. Whch made me feel like I’m a failure, you don’t get that, no. But I completely feel like I failed.

This weekend was memorial weekend.
The weekend that we could have got a great ring from a great great price. And that’s not happening.

I realized I don’t even want you t o go buy a ring today because you wouldn’t be buying it for you. Other guys worry so much about buying a ring. They stress out. It’s the most important question they are ever going to ask and they are unbelievably nervous. Even if they know she’ll say yes. They go to the store(s) and search and wonder and hope. They think and dream about the future and day dream about it.
And you’re gonna go. Pick out a cheap one. Come home. Ask me without even thinking or being nervous. I’m gonna say yes without even crying out being surprised or super excited. And I’ll go Pick or the stuff because you don’t care and we’ll get married and continue doing the exact same thing everyday.

You haven’t even told your parents we are as serious as we are. Least it doesn’t seem like it. Most guys go home and tell their parents what they are planning and the family cries and are happy together and the end instead it’s gonna be k. I b o might erase a ring like she wanted so I’ll ask and then that’ll be it.
I don’t want that… I want what I see every other family and guy has. They put months into planning it, and talking about it with her friends, and planning a whole big thing. They search her pintrest to see all the cute videos they like of other guys proposing. And I get someone who won’t even email my best friend about it…

To top all those feelings off, I have my dad mad at me, my brother is yelling and blaming me for everything, my grandma’s irritated, I ask you to help me with things and you do it half way or just don’t help at all, and I am trying I make you breakfast and you can’t even tell me what you’d like. Soooo… I am having a bad morning. And you tell me to calm down? So I go down stairs and you come to “make me feel better” by staring at me while laying there? How in hell is that suppose to make me feel better?
Gahhhh. I need to just live in a bubble.

"The prosperity of the 1950s also undermined the rules of dress by giving rise to the suburbs. When in the city, Americans wore formal clothing in keeping with the seriousness of business transacted among relative strangers. They changed to informal clothing when in the country, where mud and brush required tougher fabrics and fuller cuts. The suburbs fell on the country side of the traditional dress divide. Suburbanites might spend entire days in informal clothing on their backyard patios, while increased leisure time put them into golf togs and other sports clothes. […] The problem isn’t that Americans wear Uggs; it’s that we wear them all the time. We’ve lost something that belonged to earlier generations of Americans: the graceful ease of suiting ourselves for all of life’s occasions."

 Linda Przybyszewski, "Dressing for Failure: How the Death of Home Ec Unraveled American Fashion" (via putthison)

All I use tumblr for anymore is ranting. 
I need to get things out of my head and into the thin air somehow. 
And since talking about anything only makes the problems worse… 
It’s a;; going on hrer And I don’t even care. 
I need to move far far away. 
And lose weight.
Get skinny; move. thats my new plan and all others can go to hell.

Okay, Lets have it.

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I am feeling so incredibly down about myself today and everything in it. Eh. Tonight needs to end already…


I am so thirsty for emotional and physical intimacy with someone 

I want to nuzzle their neck and lay entwined on my bed and lazily kiss their lips and make them food and get to know every single curve and contour they have 

I want to touch someone with my finger tips and make them feel loved 

(via thatwhichtheseabreaksagainst)



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